Writing Avoidance and The Holy Sonnets

I think about writing every day. In fact, I write in my head . . . more than anyone will ever know because I haven't committed my words to paper. Sometimes, I'll pull out the notebook I almost always carry with me and write something down, but more often, I'll just stream words in my head. Part of the problem of this practice is that I have no memory for this type of writing. I have a terrific memory for details about my friends, but it is no kind of trap when it comes to the ephemera of words. I have a growing sense of conviction to quit writing in my head and start writing on paper (or the computer screen). It's not that the head work doesn't count, but it doesn't leave a discernable trace.

I also avoid the writing I'm supposed to be doing for profit, which is shameful since I have no excuse for not doing it other than not wanting to. Last weekend, I heard an interview with Larry David, who is more than marginally successful, and he mentioned being more interested in things that would let him avoid writing. I thought, "Ah, a kindred spirit!" I was very happy to know he was like me.

My task avoidance isn't unique. Lots of writers are expert procrastinators, but as a Christian, it's a dilemma. If I am not using my talents in doing what I am supposed to do, what do I say to God?: "Sorry, but I just felt like wasting my life by wasting my time." It's not a matter of wasting a little time--it's the accretion of time over days and months and years.

I'm trying to find my way up and out. Like Donne, who didn't avoid a good thing when he put the Holy Sonnets on paper, I need a force greater than myself to make a way:

Batter my heart, three-person'd God, for you
As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend;
That I may rise and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend
Your force to break, blow, burn, and make me new.

The only way I'm going to be free of my faults is asking God to lead me out of them. If I ask, I know He will. So, lead me.